My experience making and keeping friends as someone who prefers being alone and a surprise (to me in editing) revelation.

A couple of years ago I had a want to experience friendship to see if my want for lonesome came from fear of meeting people or just existed as my preference.
I spent some time talking to random people online as a teen, but it never developed into any serious friendships.

A good four or so years ago, I wanted to give it a more serious try, taking to Slowly to find a pen-pal, before later feeling locked into the decision.
I originally felt it would be the perfect place for having deep conversations due to the format of a written letter, that proved to be true - I'm one of those people who likes to breeze past small-talk, diving into deep discussions, though as time passed, I realized that I fit into one of three roles for those I commonly met:

• 1. Arm-chair therapist
• 2. Time waster/entertainment
• 3. Doll behind glass

I did meet a lot of friendly people, though once the newness wore off, I realized it wasn't quite as satisfying as I thought it would be, yet felt I was in too deep to tap out as I had moved off platform with a few different people already.

With time, people came and went, and it allowed me to learn a bit more about what I wanted from the experience.
I would regularly take breaks as it became a bit overwhelming to navigate, though each time I took a break I came up with a new idea for how to have a better chance at finding something satisfying.
I don't like to give up easily, and I especially don't like to give up without giving things a fair shot before making a "well-informed" decision, as I used to be quite impulsive which often led to me regretting my decisions.

The experience taught me a lot about compromising, social maturity, and also developing my social skills overall.

Though where I'm at now, I've run into the realization that as time goes on, I find myself becoming even more interested in isolation than before, preferring to get my "social fix" elsewhere as I don't feel that people should be treated as a service, though it's not that serious, and clearly I'm thinking too much about it.
You're supposed to have friends because you enjoy spending time and making memories with them, not to have for stimulation.

I've since decided to leave slowly as a result of this, which I've been pondering due to wanting to make sure it's really what I want and not the result of frustration.

I've noticed with all the friends I have (4..5?), there are things that I latch onto despite feeling like something is missing, and I wonder if that is a hint at what I need to do to feel more satisfied.

Maybe it isn't even a matter of feeling unsatisfied in my friendships but more so seeking fulfillment in my life overall, which is where this comes in.
I don't feel satisfied blabbing about my interests, things I research, ideas I want to actualize, to people anymore as I don't feel there is a response that will ever feel "right" because maybe it isn't about the response, and I'm only realizing that in this moment.

I adore just writing into the void.
I find myself loving to see what others put out into the void, it's not about a comment, but more so ideas and expanding on the thoughts that come to you until it looks more like a web than a chain of responses.

I think the separation of these things is what is necessary - Friends + Fun time/Hangouts; which leaves me to keep my blabberings to myself and have space to work on these things.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed the time spent with my friends, and I've come a long way from "playing my role" to learning who I am and bringing that to the friendship.
I don't often like to keep things that are unfulfilling in my life, and when I do, I usually try my best to make changes and compromise so that all involved can be satisfied, though here, I have no clear image of what is wanted anymore, and instead of acting impulsively, I've decided to wait and allow time for a formed opinion to exist.

I've beat myself up a lot for the way I feel, as I used to wish for real friends and I feel like I'm taking that for granted.

I thought it would be a matter of needing balance, as I used to have attention issues, riding on the high of being interacted with despite how empty and lonely that also made me feel, though when I became aware of that, I built up my self-esteem and comfort with my true self and that led me to years of being truly alone and now that I've seen both sides, the latter has taught me how to find what I need by myself because nothing else makes me feel as satisfied.

I've played around with balancing between those two, and despite not quite feeling exactly what I seek, I think I'm in a good place, and have to accept that it won't feel 100% satisfying, and that it probably isn't supposed to.
That doesn't mean I have to be without it.
Maybe I need to supplement the rest myself.

I enjoy flowing with my own ideas and making things how I want them.
I love diving into and figuring out new things, and maybe this is just a call out to myself to be better about the time I spend alone.
Instead of just doom-scrolling on YouTube, I should finally get around to investing time into expanding my library, watching movies and shows on my list, actually having solo-dates like I used to write about, get back into cooking/baking, finally finish a jigsaw puzzle, get into solo table-top and pen and paper games, adopt some solo outdoor activities, etc.

Maybe my solo life just needs better food?

And instead of making changes there, I instead try to get that from the interactions had with friends, which obviously won't ever feel satisfying because it's not about the relationship with them, it's about the relationship with me, doing myself wrong and not being intentional or mindful about the time I spend with myself.
You have to be good to you, as you are the only one with you throughout your forever, and if you can't satisfy yourself, how can you possibly expect someone else to?

Lonesome is often talked about as a bad thing, though I've spent the bulk of my life "alone", so far, and have found great pleasure in it after coming to terms with the fact that it isn't anything to be ashamed of, nor impossible to enjoy, I just need to update my solo activities now that I'm seeking more hands on things that give me something to show for the time spent.

My solo life didn't require much when I was younger because I didn't see the full extent of what could be done with it. But now, it's not enough as it is, and this is exciting news for me!

Lonesome isn't inherently sad, for me, it's about the viewpoint, the mindset, if it's distressing, okay, that needs care, if not, then enjoy yourself.

I must say I am lucky to have friends who don't mind long gaps between talking and hanging out (online).
I think that may be the best dynamic to have in place for me, especially in this time of wanting to improve how I spend my solo time.

That being said, when it comes to putting yourself out there, I learned that people come for what they're shown exists, if you aren't highlighting the elements you seek, you decrease your chances of getting what's truly desired.
So many of us worry about looking off-putting to others, though something I've learned to tell myself over the years is:
If I, Then Us.
That being, if I exist, then surely there are other people who are similar to me and what I like out there, and hiding these things will only make it harder to cross their path.

Be good to yourself.